Well, Raytheon has outdone themselves Got this as an email.


Updated Employee Handbook Effective Immediately



DRESS CODE: It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. Example - If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.


SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.


SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.


PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.


VACATION DAYS: All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25



BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.



ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.


RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.


LUNCH BREAK: Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.


Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive
employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns,
complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,
accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

wow 5 minute for lunch?

I can drink a slimfast and pop a diet pill in 30seconds. The remaining 4.5 minutes is spent beating up the skinny guys and eating their lunches.

Lunch

not just for lightweights anymore

Everything above sounds like the US NAVY.

Minimal smoking breaks, short restroom breaks. No more than 30 minutes to eat. They don’t like to send you to medical. Your wife/ girl friend makes all your arrangements.

[interrogation mode]it's good someone there has a sense of humor about the subject. Was it posted in the cafeteria?

Anbody drop a copy in the employee suggestion box?


How well connected to the pulse of the company is upper management? COmeone, lets get some inside info



Are they lining you up for overtime for the following year? What about other techs, departments?[/interrogation mode].

It was meant as a joke. Are you kidding me??? If this were true, we'd have managements' heads on stakes, and burning down the building (cause they took my stapler too... seriously, true story).

quote:

Originally posted by Sand Bag:
It was meant as a joke. Are you kidding me??? If this were true, we'd have managements' heads on stakes, and burning down the building (cause they took my stapler too... seriously, true story).

I know it's not true, just curious about where it was sourced.